Tuesday, June 18, 2013

What I Am Nervous About...

You know you are really nervous/anxious about something when you can barely get yourself to put it into words. For several days now I have sat at my computer, staring at a blank screen as I have struggled to explain all of my worries about traveling to the States for the first time in 3 years.

The things that excite me? I can pound out a list in less than 5 minutes.

The things that scare me? Those are the things that keep me awake at night but the words don't come during the day.

I'll try my best to keep the list short.

My biggest fear pertains to our travel.

And I have no problem talking about it, because I ask anyone and everyone for advice. I've read dozens of articles and blog posts on how to travel with a baby and toddler.

No offense though, but a post on how to fly with your toddler when you are looking at a 1-4 hour flight within one country is nothing to my itinerary of a 7 hour flight, 7 hour layover, and a 9+ hour flight.

With a toddler (who really isn't my big worry,) and a crawling 9 month old (who totally is my worry.)

And our first flight leaves at 1 am.
As in, in the middle of the night.
As in, you have already been up for an entire day when you have to check into the airport.

I lie awake at night wondering if we should find a convertible up right car seat for Sophia to sit in. Or how I can get her to sleep on my chest/in my arms when she never has done that. Or if she will fall out/crawl out of the bassinet if we choose to use it. Or about how I am going to entertain the two of them in an airport for 7 hours when they are extremely sleep deprived. Or about how Grace's carseat may not fit in the airplane seat but I just KNOW she will do so great if we can use it on the plane.

Luckily, this fear will just have to be dealt with and will be over and done with (plus or minus a little emotional scarring,) in just 24 hours of traveling.

My other major anxiety has to do with change.

So much has changed in the last three years.

My family has changed. They've aged. They've married. They have changed jobs and moved. They have experienced things that I have no connection with.

I've had family members pass away while overseas and some have fallen ill or terminally ill. I haven't been able to grieve with them or for them.

My friends have changed. They aren't the college aged girls that I grew up with. They have experienced pain and anguish, joy and happiness, and I wasn't around for any of it.

Their relationships with each other has altered and drifted during the last 3 years and though I know of some of the differences, it will probably hit me like a ton of bricks when I see how it first hand.

Places have changed. Things have changed (do I know how to pump my own gas? How much does gas cost anyway?)

And most of all, I have changed. I've lived for 3 years overseas. When we first left the USA we were newlyweds, fresh out of grad school, who had been living with our parents for half a year just to get by.

We aren't the same. I've lived overseas, learned a new language, lived in 3 countries, and 3 homes. I've had 2 babies and have just celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary.

All while being away from "home." Whatever that means.

So, while the good outweighs the bad, the nagging doubts and insecurities are there and very real. I know they are going to be things I have to deal with over our 6 months that we are in the States, but I hope that others have patience with me as I grieve over change that I didn't expect and rejoice over change that is worthy of praise.

2 comments:

Lauren said...

Sending prayers your way girl! I can't imagine how difficult this will be for you and your family, but I have faith that with the awesome God we serve...he will make the transition and smooth.

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